“É o papel de Fred, inconscientemente, envenenar minha felicidade. Ele
enfatiza as incongruências do amor de Henry. Eu não mereço um amor pela
metade, diz ele. Mereço coisas extraordinárias. Mas o meio amor de
Henry vale mais para mim do que todos os amores de mil homens.
Imaginei
por um momento um mundo sem Henry. E jurei que no dia que perder
Henry, eu matarei minha vulnerabilidade, minha capacidade para o
verdadeiro amor, meus sentimentos, com a devassidão mais frenética.
Depois de Henry não quero mais amor. Só foder, por um lado, e solidão e
trabalho, por outro. Nada mais de mágoa.
Depois de não ver Henry
por cinco dias por causa de mil obrigações, não pude suportar. Pedi a
ele para se encontrar comigo durante uma hora entre dois compromissos.
Conversamos por um momento, então fomos para um quarto do hotel mais
próximo. Que necessidade profunda dele. Só quando estou em seus braços
as coisas parecem direitas. Depois de uma hora com ele, pude continuar o
meu dia, fazendo coisas que não quero fazer, vendo pessoas que não me
interessam. Um quarto de hotel, para mim, tem a implicação de
voluptuosidade, furtiva, fugaz. Talvez o fato de não ver Henry tenha
aumentado a minha fome. Eu me masturbo frequentemente, com luxúria, sem
remorso ou repugnância. Pela primeira vez eu sei o que é comer. Ganhei
dois quilos. Fico desesperadamente faminta, e a comida que como me dá
um prazer duradouro. Nunca comi desta maneira profunda e carnal. Só
tenho três desejos agora: comer, dormir e foder. Os cabarés me excitam.
Quero ouvir música rouca, ver rostos, roçar-me em corpos, beber um
Benedictine ardente. Belas mulheres e homens atraentes provocam desejos
em mim. Quero dançar. Quero drogas. Quero conhecer pessoas perversas,
ser íntima delas. Nunca olho para rostos inocentes. Quero morder a vida
e ser despedaçada por ela. Henry não me dá tudo isso. Eu despertei o
seu amor. Maldito seja o seu amor. Ele sabe foder como ninguém, mas eu
quero mais que isso.
Eu vou para o inferno, para o inferno, para o inferno.
Selvagem, selvagem, selvagem”.
(Anaïs Nin)
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